Just random blabber... (Rant Warning)

Just...some stuff i need to just get off my chest...and most of the time, keeping it somewhere private doesn't really help...so meh...anyway

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We've all looked for it, right?  you know, that shoulder we can all cry on?  but you know...when all is said and done...when you've gone back to your life after getting it all off your chest...have you ever stopped to wonder...who it is that listens to that shoulder?  who's there for them?  who's their shoulder to cry on?  who are they able to go to to get not only their problems, but everyone else's, off their chest?

Sadly, the truth is...they don't have anyone.  either the people they help are too caught up in their own lives to listen, or the shoulder is too focused on being strong for others that they believe they cannot show weakness.  so where does all that pain and suffering go?  the answer...it gets locked away.  for some, thy can forget about it and release it...but for others it just keeps piling up until a dam breaks.  And when that dam finally breaks…who do they have to turn to?  again…most of the time…the answer is no one.  

It’s lonely, being a shoulder…but the truth is most of the time they don’t care about that.  they’re more worried about the problems of others…they’re more worried about what others will think of their problems.  what happens if their problems aren’t as severe as they thought?  ‘You don’t want to sound petty, do you?’ would you?  Most of the times, the shoulder believes that either no one wants to hear about their problems, or no one would even care.  Would those people who look for a shoulder be able to truly be one in return?  Would those people even really care?

No…no they wouldn’t…

Because time and time again, when it’s finally time that the shoulder gets to say something, they are bombarded by things such as ‘well, this is how bad my life is’ or ‘that’s nothing, this happened to me last week’ and other such things.  Was this a contest?  Was this supposed to be a ‘one up’ type of thing?  The shoulder surly doesn’t want it to be.  So, once again, they hide away their pain, not wanting to let anyone else see it.  Because showing their pain only causes more it seems.

Being a shoulder isn’t about trying to one up the person, it’s about being there and listening to them.  it’s about telling them that everything will be okay, because it will, and helping them wipe their tears when they come.  Being a shoulder is about helping the person back onto their feet, not throwing them to the ground by saying how much worse of a life you have.  

I mean yes, sometimes tough love does do the trick, but constantly saying ‘well my boyfriend does this’ or ‘my roommate does that’ or ‘you have it so easy, my life is hard because of this, his and this reason’.  constantly telling someone those things…is that really helping anything?  No…that’s just making someone feel even worse.  When you say those things, it makes the person feel like a child…a whiner…a baby…a failure…

…a failure…

Those two words…that title…it can break anyone…failure is the ultimate disappointment…the ultimate low…now sometimes, some of us can pick ourselves up off the ground and brush it off…but for some, they find themselves at the bottom of a deep…dark…lonely hole that they can’t get out of…not by themselves…and the more and more you bag it into their head how much of a failure they are, the deeper and deeper that hole is going to seem.  Maybe they can get themselves out…or maybe that hole is their grave.  You know, you never even have to outright call someone a ‘failure’.  It comes as an implication in things you say.  You may not notice it, but they do.  You may not mean it, but they may take it that way…and that’s just one more crack in their already fragile psyche.


Sleep…no sleep…I just want to sleep…do you know how fucked up my mind gets when I can’t sleep?  Well I’ll tell you this…all I want to do is break down sobbing and screaming ‘I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!’…but I can’t.  no matter the pills…no matter the way I lay in bed…no matter what I do all day…I’m lucky I get a full week of sleep.

There’s nothing more frustrating than sleeping in your bed, the surrounding perfect, and all you can do is lay there, eyes wide open, unable to get to sleep and just watching the time as it goes from being 12…to being one…then being three…then five…then six where you finally just say ‘fuck it, I’ve had enough of this shit’ and you get out of bed.  And the more you stay up, the more tired you feel…but no matter what you do…you can’t sleep.  Why?  Because if you take a nap, then you won’t sleep that night.  No, you have to stay awake.  If you don’t, then that’s just another night of no sleep.  You’ll lay there, staring at your clock going crazy wondering why you can’t sleep.  Why… Why…?  Why?  Why?!  WHY CAN’T YOU JUST SLEEP?!  Your mind races, you can’t seem to calm down, nothing you do can clear your mind.  All you hear is your own thoughts screaming about wanting to just go to sleep.  But even though you close your eyes and try to pretend, you’re still awake.  No matter how many times you toss and you turn and you beg and plead and sob and cry, you ust can’t. go. To. SLEEP!  WHY?! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
You’re driven to the brink of madness as you pull at your hair, trying to hurt yourself, trying to do SOMETHING to force exhaustion.  You take a pill…and then another…and then another…but yet you STILL CAN’T SLEEP!  No matter what anyone says, no matter the bottle or the commercial or anything, it just won’t work!  It was suppose to put you right to sleep, but it didn’t!  WHY NOT?!  

Tossing and turning, you hear voices around you calling out your name, saying things to you.  Make you go insane so you turn on your music.  That stops them, but you still can’t sleep.  You see something move out of the corner of your eye, you get scared, this wakes you up even more and then you realize

ITS SIX O-FUCKING-CLOCK!

You just want to scream.  You just want to bawl your eyes out.  However, you live with others and you just don’t want to wake them.  So, instead you suffer there alone and turn on your light, not wanting to be in the dark anymore.

You want to write, but that’s something you fail at too.  You’ve failed at everyone you’ve started.  You’ve never finished.  You’ve never completed anything!  You’ll never amount to a good writer.  You’ll never amount to your favorites like J.K. Rowling or anyone else you may admire.  

You try to draw, but same thing.  No matter what you do, nothing looks right.  The lines, the shapes, the length of things, the colors, NOTHING!  The worst part is…YOU’RE STILL TIRED!

You try to RP, but then you remember it’s early and no one is up.  You sit there waiting, camping the RP until someone, ANYONE posts…but it doesn’t come for HOURS.

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And…I think I should stop there for the time being before someone throws me in the looney bin…